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Apr 01

BREAKING: CEO of Enbridge Inc. Turns Himself In For Corporate Crimes Against Humanity & Environment

Note: this story was published on April Fools’ Day. We wish it were true…

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Calgary, Alberta — Wednesday, April 1st, 2015, 10am MDT — Al Monaco, President and CEO of Enbridge Inc., has turned himself in to RCMP officials at the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Calgary station. He confessed to hundreds of crimes perpetrated by corporate “person” Enbridge Inc. as well as himself personally.

Monaco submitted a 41-page document detailing the crimes he and Enbridge confessed to, including lying about the safety measures implemented on its North American pipeline infrastructure, criminal negligence in pipeline construction and maintenance, bullying and intimidating landowners into signing land condemnation agreements in order to advance its pipeline infrastructure, negligence and intentional failure to adequately address the destruction of the Kalamazoo River for years after the rupture of pipeline 6B, and intimidation of and monitoring of protestors of this corporation.

Commenting on his use of gloves, arresting officer Don Uts said, "I couldn't fathom directly touching such a dirty criminal with my bare hands."

Commenting on his use of gloves, arresting officer Don Uts said,
“I couldn’t fathom directly touching such a dirty criminal with my bare hands.”

Monaco announced his intentions to turn himself in on his personal Twitter account, @BigAlMonaco, a few hours earlier this morning. The announcement spread quickly, and dozens of both supporters and opposers were there to watch Monaco be arrested. Monaco had this to say to onlookers before being zip-tied:

“I just couldn’t sleep at night.”

“I realized that what my corporation and I were doing was wrong, but didn’t know what to do about it. It definitely didn’t help that there weren’t enough people speaking out when we bullied landowners or indigenous peoples into accepting our nefarious operations, and it didn’t help that our dirty fossil fuel products were always highly in demand, until recently anyway. And it certainly isn’t a help that the Obama and Harper Administrations deny the severity of climate change and fail to take steps to make tar sands and other fossil fuels less marketably palatable. And most importantly, my friends were no help when I tried to confide in them about all this.”

“I’m sorry to everyone we’ve wronged. I’m sorry to Kalamazoo, sorry to indigenous communities where we extract tar sands as well as refinery communities that deal with the toxic byproducts of our operations seeping into their very lungs. I’m sorry to everyone who lives near one of our leaky-as-shit pipelines which are all over this continent. Especially Line 5, our 62-year-old petroleum pipeline that runs directly through the Great Lakes and is a constant threat to it. And I’m sorry to future generations which will have to deal with catastrophic climate change as a result of all this.”

“I realize that turning myself in can only be a symbolic act at best. I realize that the Enbridge Board of Directors will likely disclaim everything I’m saying right now, and will probably call me a lunatic. And they’ll probably just find another CEO and all this bullshit will just continue. But at least my conscience will be clear.”

“As for the rest of you all, I urge you to stop wanting our products. Boycott Enbridge, reduce your dependence on energy if that’s what it takes. Speak out when your neighbors and community are under attack. Disrupt our corporate activities whenever you can, but be civil and non-violent about it. Stop Enbridge, save us from ourselves, because we really know not what we do.”

Update: only a few hours later, Monaco and Enbridge have been charged with 210 misdemeanor and 7,432 felony counts. Monaco’s bail has been set at $1,000,000,000,000,000,000 Canadian dollars. His first hearing has been set for April 22nd, which, coincidentally, is Earth Day.

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